the sound of boredom

J: How are you doing?

D: Just got back home, sitting on the couch, reading about boredom related to America Psycho…in Italy it’s 8.17pm…

J: I’m just at home being bored. But should be doing something to change that

D: let’s talk about that. do you write to people because you’re bored?

J: At times, yes I do

D: how would you define boredom?

J: I’m stealing the language from somewhere else, but “restless, irritable and discontent.” It’s a state of craving something, without being able to find a solution.

D: like diversions? Tell me about your solutions….

J: I seek diversions, but boredom is a time when those aren’t fulfilling.                            Many are pleasure driven…smoke, food, drinks, sex

D: probably it’s because as soon as we get used to a diversion we start craving for a new one…and so on.

J: Partially it. I think there are those that crave more than others and have a harder time finding stimulation. I have to say, I theorized a lot regarding pleasure, desire and addiction. So this has influenced me a lot.

D: People have their own personal idea about boredom.

J: I would think so, yes

D: there are people who are constantly escaping from boredom

J: And there are some people who don’t need much stimulation,                                           who don’t need to escape boredom

D: Is it because they know how to deal with it? It’s not easy to enjoy boredom…maybe it’s impossible because if you enjoy it then it’s not boredom anymore…

J: Some people have learned or found a way not to deal with it, but I don’t think it’s a problem for everyone.

D: Of course not

J: Or some people have found lives, which don’t have time for it

D: But it’s a problem for many

J: I think so, yes

D: what were you doing now that made you said you were bored?

J: I am unemployed and haven’t found a way to fill my time. I’m restless. And don’t know what to do. There are plenty of productive things I should do, but I don’t want to.         There are plenty of less productive ways to kill time, but I don’t want to do those either.

D: Sounds like you’re temporarily stuck between two forces.                                                     Do you feel a pressure from the outside?

J: Definitely so. And pressure from myself

D: Sometimes the more pressure you feel the more stuck you are.

J: That’s very true. And I feel stuck quite a lot

D: too many options or not options at all?

J: No, just not options that I like. I’m not easily motivated, so I stand still, and then become bored, which traps me

D: Did you feel less bored when you were working?

J: Not especially. Some days. But my job became less of a challenge, which became boring. The easier it was, the less I wanted to do it

D: I know that feeling

J: Like I said, I need stimulation. Either stimulation, or to numb myself a bit.

D: Tell me about the last time you felt bored…what did you do?

J: This morning? Yesterday morning. Smoked, watched porn, jerked off. I often times end up drinking if I can’t find a way out of it

D: do you think it’s a waste of time? do you feel guilty?

J: Many times yes. I have been trying to meditate more. To calm my mind.                          The goal is to clear my mind so I can act without anxiety. There is a lot of anxiety in boredom.  I am often disconnected. Between my internal reality and the external

D: I can imagine that…I met you just once but I had a feeling…

J: And did it come across as boredom?

D: No, at that time I was attracted to you. You seemed distant…a bit nervous. there was something magnetic about it, I couldn’t stop staring at you. Only few minutes ago I was asking myself if you were bored that night, among those people. I mean before we started to speak 😉

J: I likely was. I can’t remember where I was

D: I wasn’t in your group, but it looked like you didn’t speak much, that you were lost in thought. but you told me you like to be on your own, right?

J: I speak when I have something to say. I don’t like wasting words. I’ve gotten better with small talk though. I often like to be on my own, yes

D: wasting words, wasting time. a reaction to boredom is to speak a lot. To fill a silence that is felt heavy, embarrassing.

J: Yes. Though not with good results. Is your boredom silent?

D: Voltaire once said that being a bore is to tell everything…

J: If you are able to tell everything, chances are you don’t have much to tell.                    That’s quite boring.

D: is my boredom silent?…good question! Usually I’m bored when I’m alone…so in a way I’m silent…but one reaction is to chat with strangers, looking for a conversation so I’m not that silent after all…

J: But there isn’t noise inside your head?

D: not all the time. sometime I just go into a state where my thoughts are so stretched. Then after when I think about it, I just don’t remember where I was exactly, where my minds were

J: That sounds like a much more pleasant state.

D: yes, contemplative

J: It doesn’t sound like boredom

D: No, it’s not boredom…I was thinking out loud about silence

J: Ah, I understand

D: I started to think about boredom when I was under pressure for a deadline and instead of focusing on that, I was wasting my time in order to avoid it.

I was feeling bored even if I had so many things to do.

J: And why didn’t you do them?

D: Like you I was jerking off twice a day, watching TV series, being antisocial…being bored by the people around me, by myself, like floating in an ocean made of jelly-o.

I couldn’t admit I was stuck and weak. the pressure of coming out with something good made me feel like I haven’t nothing good to say at all.

J: I’ve been stuck for three years

D: but you did something. you weren’t in a coma. I started to pay attention to those “hidden” actions and to those results I was creating out of boredom”…of course, I was never satisfied. I felt they didn’t have the right to be shown…was also shame knocking at my door?

J: So you understand why I was relating it to desire

D: Oh yes, I do. You know, there’s creative boredom as well, that is different from a situative boredom, that is when you want the train to come, for example…

J: Yes

D: the creative boredom is more about the results…when you feel forced to do something new all the time

J: I guess, I have been thinking of more extreme boredom. Often times I can come up with solutions, but often times I cannot. There is boredom at social situations, and I make games to entertain myself

D: Like what?

J: I can’t think of a good example

D: Well, next time you’ll come out with a game please take note for me

J: I will have to take note. I’ve started avoiding my old social situations though.                Out of larger picture boredom

D: tell me about those social situations

J: Certain bars and groups of people

D: too fucked up?

J: No, too stagnant. So I started getting too fucked up

D: right, you’re boiling inside

J: How do you mean?

D: maybe it’s just an Italian expression…but from what you said before, it’s like you’re craving for new challenges, stimulations and you’re not easy to please. you can’t waste you’re time in stagnant and sterile situations that give you nothing, but maybe all these are just my pretentious assumptions…

J: I do. I just don’t know what I want yet

D: and here comes the rhetoric question: will you ever know?                                                 not knowing could be exciting as well

J: Most likely

D: you know what you don’t want, consider it as a starting point

J: I am still learning all the things I don’t want

D: being curious is one of best quality a man can have

J: I’m too curious

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